Desperately Wanting

I feel alive. I have a deeply rooted desire—need—to be outside, to hear the night noises of crickets and bullfrogs, to smell wet earth and farmland and dirt, to see the starts. It is an intense yearning in my bones and I cannot deny it. When it beckons, I go—wherever the road may take me. I must experience more of this incredible place God our Father created for us to live, to explore, to seek adventure. I miss this: the ability to pick up and take off on a whim with no explanations, worries, thoughts of money or budgeting, totally spontaneity—oh, to take a real random roadtrip again. I miss it—the freedom.

Travel helps. Going places, experiencing new pieces of the globe, partaking of new cultures, meeting new people—that is all part of filling up this specific hole in my heart.

Music helps. I know a large chunk of my heart lies with James Taylor in “September Grass,” “Desperately Wanting,” and with “Blackbird singing in the dead of night,” John Lennon and Paul McCartney; my heart sways with “Something in the way she moves” and “Country Road;” and I know that “The long and winding road” and “Long ago and far away” will fill my heart up—with either love and tears (the good kind; the cleansing, releasing, appreciative tears.)

Quiet time helps. Spending time with the Lord, silence and waiting with Him, the quiet, delving into His word, remembering His promises—that fills up the God-shaped hole and pours over into the other hole, too.

Grant helps. Spending quality time with him, experiencing more of our life together, working through hopes and dreams, fears, and possibilities—that fills up the Grant-shaped hole and runs over as well.

But the hole remains; and when it longs for more, I must respond… and when I do, God is it good. It’s like all the good things in my life are magnified and the few negative factors disappear—as if looking intently at the stars answers, or better, quiets my questions and just lets me stand in awe—thankful for God’s goodness, faithfulness, and grace; grateful for the love Grant has for me; intrigued all the more for encounter more spaces of earth—like a drug that leaves me wanting more. It’s such a pure and untainted addiction.

I will continue to go. I will continue to reclaim my freedom. I will continue to follow where the road takes me. I will continue to answer the call and leave satisfied yet burning for more. I will continue to thank God and I will continue to love Grant—including him in as many pieces of my life and holes in my heart as possible.

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