Category Archives: mercy

Fertility Update – IVF

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If you’re new here, we are in the midst of a joyful, hard, chaotic, wonderful season of waiting in terms of fertility. I’ve written of our 5+ year story on this blog, so you can catch up by reading Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and a quick post on Mother’s Day – or the whole series here.

InVitro Fertilization (IVF) is such an interesting thing. Miraculously, through advances in science and the breath of life that only God can provide, we can now mimic natural conception outside the body, and then place this newly formed embryo (blastocyst, technically) back into the mother’s womb, hoping and praying that it results in a successful pregnancy, labor, and delivery. Wow.

I have had my own journey with the idea of IVF. Ask anyone who’s done it – the reality of IVF is: IT’S A LOT. IVF is a lot to consider, a lot to take in, a lot to wrap your head around, a lot for your body (hormone shots multiple times a day for weeks), a lot to process emotionally, a lot of doctor’s appointments, and a lot of dollars {Forbes}.

After much prayer and a 3 day fast, in November of 2014, we decided to move forward with IVF.

We had *kinda* known that this day was coming, but the idea of facing this invasive and highly-technical procedure, and the reality of it are two different things.

How He sustains us in incredible to me.
We were praying for breakthrough and rest:
     Micah 2:13
     Exodus 14:14

Ultimately, the embryos did not make it to transfer. Our failed IVF attempt ended just  after Thanksgiving.

I’ll include the text we sent to those friends and family who’d been praying for us:
Welp. Our IVF cycle is officially over: the embryos didn’t make it to transfer. I can’t say we’re not heartbroken, but I can say we’ll be ok – not yet but we will be. Psalm 13 is a short 6 verses; it begins with sorrow and anguish, but ends with “But I will trust in Your unfailing love. I will rejoice because You have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me.” We’re living in the “and if He does not” part of Daniel 3:17-18 and claiming that He is still God and He is still good. Grant’s taken the day off and I think we’re just gonna “be” today, you know? Thanks for YOUR prayers quietly guiding us through this journey. xoxo
The day we found out, after having had nothing to eat but our tears, we called in a to-go order at Waffle House. Walking in, I got several sweet text messages from friends that made my eyes well up with different kind of tears: deeply grateful ones. As I was about to hand my card to the girl behind the counter, I realized the irony of the moment:
I am almost a country song: standing here in my pjs, crying, in a Waffle House.
And I wondered what I would say to this bewildered girl if she dared to ask me what’s wrong or if I’m ok. First I thought I’d say:
This is the worst day of my life.
But then I really thought about it – and I know we’ve had some rough days – so was this really the worst? So I quickly revised in my head (thankfully the sweet girl did not ask):
This is one of the worst days of my life. 
But as I pondered it further, this thought truly inhabited me:
If this is one of the worst days of your life, all in all, you have been blessed.
And it hit me softly, that overwhelming thankfulness that allows us to worship in the midst of great sorrow, to praise God in the midst of deep pain, to rejoice despite not knowing why or for what or how long.

I’m not saying it’s been easy, but I can say I have never been more confident in God’s timing.

We have talked and prayed and cried since then. But that still, quiet confidence in God who delights in the details, writing the pages of our story {not on tablets of stone, but on our hearts}, guiding the seasons of our life, has sustained us and we are grateful.

I don’t know what’s next.
I don’t know if or when we’ll do another cycle of IVF.
But I do know one thing:
     God is good
     and can be trusted
     and is worthy of our praise.

There’s a quote from C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia that I love:
-Yes but is He safe?
-Safe? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course He isn’t safe! But He’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.

Fertility Series: Part 4

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{We’re in the middle of a series on fertility. You can read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and a quick post on Mother’s Day – or read the whole series here.} There are two main reasons I’m writing this series, which is so … Continue reading →

Fertility Series: Part 2

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This gallery contains 11 photos.

{We’re in the middle of a series on fertility. You can read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and a quick post on Mother’s Day – or read the whole series here.} There are two main reasons I’m writing this series, which is … Continue reading →

Speck and Plank

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My own blindness astounds me.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from the other person’s eye.” {Matthew 7:3-5}

It’s amazing the things that seem so clear in me someone else’s life but I’m blind to that very thing in my own life. I recently said:

“How does she not know that faith is grown life, not in bible studies?!”

Wisdom, knowledge, discernment, identifying and drawing near to the Character of God, the Person of Christ, the Miracle of the Holy Spirit all happens in bible study–and bible studies are great! But faith is something that is grown in the everyday–the good and the bad, but especially the bad…

How did I miss God growing my faith (even especially in my doubt and anger) by all this in my life?? How??

So I’ve made up with God and we’re on speaking terms again; things are good and I’m now open to instruction (whereas before I had serious bouts of throwing my toys on the floor and stamping my feet around like a toddler). We all have our moments. And thankfully, in God’s grace, we can have them unedited–He can take it.

But when we are ready to grow up a bit–and I am ready–we can learn from the pulling and stretching, the pruning and circumcising, when we are ready to accept both the new wine and the new wineskins, our covenant (like a reconciled marriage) is a beautiful and intimate one.

That’s where I find myself most of the time these days. The difficult, graceful, new, frustrating, reassuring place of faith-growing life here in London.