Fertility Series: Part 2

{We’re in the middle of a series on fertility. You can read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and a quick post on Mother’s Day – or read the whole series here.}

There are two main reasons I’m writing this series, which is so very personal and tender to my heart: 1. For me: I’m doing this for posterity’s sake more than anything, so bear with me. 2. For you: I want to share our story with others.

Grant is an incredible man of such worth as cannot be measured, integrity more weighty than steel, and intellect sharper than iron – with a heart of gold. He has a spirit of understanding and wisdom deeper than the ocean. I cannot even begin to list all the things about him that I fell in love with in the beginning, and continue to discover and fall in love with every single day. In Grant, I now understand in earnest Browning’s “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways” sonnet.

But as I ended in Fertility Series: Part I, (Thanksgiving 2009) I had had this prophetic dream that we should have a baby.

Grant had not.

Poor Grant. He was blindsided.

He had had no dream. He’d had no prophecy. He’d had no God-encounter. He’d not had the month that I had had wrestling with God and praying through the implications of what God spoke to me. He was completely and totally unprepared, so when I told him that (like a light switch) I was previously against having kids, but now I’m all for it and am ready to start actively trying, he was confused and defensive.

Chaos ensued.

He wanted to wait until he, too, had heard from the Lord.

I did not.

{If you reading this in light of basically ANY teaching on becoming a godly wife, this is the part where submitting to your husband out of love and respect is actually in keeping with whatever God asks of us as wives. Do not do what I did and blatantly insist your way against your husband’s cautious concerns. Be patient. Be prayerful. Be kind. And show love to your husband by submitting to him – allowing God to speak to his heart as the rightful head of your family. I wish I had learned this earlier. Oh well! It’s part of our story and I want to be honest here, I’m just saying don’t follow my example, especially how I handled this part!}

2010

Before we had rung in the new year, I was off birth control and full of self-righteous anger.

I thought I knew best. I thought, “Well. God and I have got this whole baby thing worked out, so I’ll get pregnant and Grant will just have to get on board!”

I’m so glad I was wrong.

Praise the Lord, in His great wisdom and mercy, He did not bring a child into our family at that time! I needed time to really process what He was saying to me, and Grant really really needed time to process what the heck had come over his once-kind wife.

2010 was a good year, but a hard year. It wasn’t hard because I wanted to get pregnant but didn’t (although that had something to do with the month-after-month disappointment). It was hard because I was holding onto this promise of having a baby more than I was, a) holding onto the Lord and, b) holding onto Grant.

Truth be told, our marriage was fine. We were young, we were foolish, and we were happy (as the beach music song goes). We (by the grace of God) maintained that newly-wedded bliss and dancing-on-air happiness despite being at odds on this singular issue. Grant is an awesome roommate, a fantastic travel companion, the funniest guy I know, and the most encouraging person I’ve ever met. We were young, adventurous, spontaneous, and loving – all the ingredients to keep an intimate closeness in our marriage. It was all good – we just avoided talking about having a baby (despite being off birth control).

By the end of 2010, despite being disappointed and living 14-days by 14-days, I had realized what God wanted to reveal to me and Grant had, too.

For me: The issue was never about having a baby or not having a baby. The issue that God wanted to reveal in me was an issue of trust:

LUCY, Do you trust Me? Do you believe that I have a plan for you? Do you believe that I have the best for you? Do you trust Me enough to lay your hopes and plans and dreams down and let me lead you into a life you could’ve never mapped out for yourself? Do you trust Me?

For Grant: The issue was also about trust, but mainly about provision:

GRANT, Do you trust Me? Do you trust that I will take care of you? Do you trust that I can meet all your needs according to the riches of My glory in Christ Jesus? Do you trust me with you family? with your future family? Do you believe that I am really, actually enough for you? the source of your strength and your portion forever? Do you trust Me?

Thankfully, we both answered: Yes!

Autumn 2010

{Not directly related to our fertility journey, but too dear to our hearts not to include, we had the opportunity to pseudo-adopt an 18 year old named Evan. Evan’s a great guy we still keep up with; he just needed a little time and love to get back on his feet after high school but before college. He is currently attending UGA with stellar marks and we couldn’t be happier for him or more proud. This season was an interesting one for us in terms of “parenthood” because we were mentoring and instructing, but not really teaching or disciplining at all. Still, I remember thinking, When we do have kids, they won’t be the first we’ve had to deal with in terms of how we (Grant and I together) prayerful and diligently parent.}

Christmastime 2010

In a tender-hearted gesture that still brings tears to my eyes, on Christmas Eve 2010, Grant gave me a present when it was just the two of us. He gave me a gender-neutral 6-month-old vest from REI and said, “I’m ready to have a baby. I’m ready to start a family. I’ve realized that this doesn’t mean the end of our adventures together, but the beginning of adventures as a family. We won’t stop exploring and traveling and enjoying the creation that God made – and we love so much! We’ll just pack them up and bring them with us. God will provide for our family and I’m ready to get on board.”

It was a precious moment I hope I never forget.