Spiritual Warfare. There are two things warring in my heart, vying for my attention and belief. In which will I choose to daily place my faith?

Understanding: I understand that the beginning of wisdom is admitting: I don’t know. I did a whole study on it. According to both the Old and New Testaments, when we admit that we don’t have all the answers, we turn our gaze outward seeking truth, we open our minds to God’s wisdom and look outside ourselves for insight. This is where wisdom begins. It takes coming to this realization for our hearts and minds to be malleable enough for God to mold with His wisdom – it’s a beautiful thing.

Feeling: I feel completely lost. Incompetent. Naive. Inexperienced. Too young. Wrong. Constantly. From the VISAs to the money and budgeting – even to the idea and reality of moving and setting up life on a new piece of earth.

Understanding: I understand that this is exactly where God wants me, that He can teach me things through this season unlike He can in any other. I know that this dependency on Him creates in me an intimate connection with God that I cannot experience apart from it. I am convinced that even in the midst of all these otherwise negative emotions, there is so much more going on here, so much more of the story – my story – being written. There are subtleties that I do not want to miss in the name of self-pity and lamenting.

Feeling: I feel like a little girl. I am old enough but not experienced enough. I have knowledge, but know enough only to be dangerous with the idea of change – not the actual change itself. I am a walking contradiction and am hyper-emotional.

Understanding: I have this mantra running through my head all day – which is only as often as I need to hear it:

“The destination is set, it’s how you get there that matters. Will you take time for others, find joy in the journey, and soak up every moment of your time here? Or will you choose to focus on yourself, how hard it is, how little you know, how ill-prepared you are for it all and miss this precious time that you’ll never get back?
The choice is yours.”

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